Published July 18, 2010
Look into the eyes of innocence,
Staring down the barrel of the gun.
Fear and hunger in every tear,
Broken windows to the soul,
Shaking hands, soft and small,
Smeared with blood and dirt,
Scarred and starved and beaten;
Once a child, now a machine.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hey!
What a great start! I adore the contrast between innocence, and the gun. I think this section sets the mood for the poem, and I love it.
I think these two lines did just as much for the poem as the first two lines, and that's good! One thing I am starting to notice is that you use punctuation at the end of every line, and that's unnecessary. The fact you are going to a new line tells us we should break, you don't need to use tons of punctuation.
Love, love, love the imagery. 'Nuff said.
Honestly, these were not my favorite lines of the piece. I think the last line reads a bit too much like prose, and the fact you put a period at the end adds to that. I also think it would flow better if you took out the first "and" in the top line. It would make it sound better.
Overall, I loved the whole piece. Keep writing!
Sunny
Hi WarriorPrincess,
Here's what's instantly mundane about your poem:
Your first two lines are not really your own writing. Those aren't expression you came up with. They're phrases you've heard before. They're phrases we've all heard before. By just repeating these common idioms, your poem suffers immediately. And it doesn't really recover. it's far too short to make an impact. You need to work on inventing your own lines that rely on originality and freshness to inject some spice into your writing. Otherwise it just becomes a collection of cliches.
I really like the poem, and how abrupt it is at times and its goes well with the poem, how so many people start so innocent and young and are manipulated and turned into what 1 they are not or 2 what they didn't want to be. I'd also like to think that the poem could be used to describe how life treats people such as third world children living in starvation and poverty and life takes away their dreams and smashes their souls and exploits them to sweatfactorys and to use for cheap labour and therefor near enough as 'machines'. A good poem.
Hi, Warrior Princess! I'll get right down to it.
The stark contrast between the image of innocence and the image of a gun: a great way to start. An eye-catching title as well.
This line is somewhat weak, because the abstract words "fear and hunger" are vague and a bit lazy. Try to think of a better way, a more vivid, detailed, unusual way, to describe the child soldier. Try to avoid abstractions in general.
The last line is great. But the first two lines quoted here... I feel like I've heard them before. They're not truly bad, per se, because they use good verbs (smeared, scarred) but they feel a bit too familiar.
Overall, a pretty good piece. It's refreshing to see some more freeverse. I would suggest possibly expanding the piece more; it's quite vague right now, almost frustratingly so. How has this child come to be a soldier? Has he/she become an automaton of a bloodthirsty society? You've got the ability to craft a searing portrait of lost innocence here--take advantage of that power! Polish this piece, elaborate upon it in more depth, and you can turn it into an indelible poem. Keep writing!
I like this poem alot.
I think this entire poem and the subject as a whole is an oxymoron. I think people especially in the western world couldn't imagine a child killing anyone. It reminds me of this song.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP-WC73izJM&feature=relatedIt's called Funny the way it is. Have a great day. Fiction
I really like the imagery of the poem and I think it flows well enough. Its short and sweet, and it had meaning. The punctuation seems a bit off in some places but its definitely a good read.
Keep Writing. Anger.
I really like this poem, but it doesn't really flow.